Like most everyone else, I have made some seriously poor choices along my path of life. Low-lights including: dating a bejeweled hockey player and having flings with various rock boys donning guy-liner. (Hey, after dating the same guy for years I had to spread my wings a little, right?!) However, after minor deviations, I seem to find my feet back upon the path that was meant for me.
If there is one constant that I have felt throughout my life it is this: if I listen ever so closely to the whisperings of the Spirit, I can feel myself being propelled (or compelled to follow) a foreordained or predetermined path for my life. Break-ups. Law School. Robby. Moves. Jobs. Baby. Being a working mom.
While I have rejoiced over some of these events (Robby and Connor being the best two decisions of my life), others have brought mixed emotions. I love being a lawyer. I hate being away from Connor as much as I am.
Are you sensing a theme in my blog posts? It is because my life seems to have been overrun with mommy guilt lately. (I promise that I will try to move away from this subject in my next post.)
Perhaps the hardest part of this internal conflict is that I know without a doubt that Robby and I were inspired to have Connor when we did. However, on top of that, I was undoubtedly inspired, and expressly directed, by the Spirit that I was supposed to go to law school....and practice law. Apparently just because the Lord wants you to take a certain step, or head a certain direction, that does not necessarily mean that said step will mesh well with the other inspired choices in your life. Hmmm. I am not really loving that reality.
There is nothing like the thrill of winning a case, or slaying an oral argument in Court, but I wish that I could have a little less of that and a little more time playing hide-n-seek with Connor during the day. I truly don't intend to abandon the practice of law entirely until I reach retirement age, but I wouldn't mind being part time. The problem: part time is not in our cards for a long time. The reconciliation: I must continue to find joy in the journey and let go of the guilt that I am not at home with Connor all day.
There it is again. That ugly 5 letter word g-u-i-l-t. (Four letter words pale in comparison to guilt in my mind.) I have decided that instead of allowing that dirty little pest to crowd out my ability to rejoice in the monotony of life, I must embrace that I am on my path. I am following the promptings I am given, counseling with my husband, and we are moving forward down the path that the Lord intended for us. Just because it is right for my sisters to stay home with their children does not mean that I have to feel guilty for being unable to stay home with mine.
Connor is happy, well adjusted, and developing just as he should be. Robby is supportive, strong, reliable, and worthy to lead our family. And so....I must accept that The Fates have a different plan in mind for me than anyone else.
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